A Different Approach…

"Come on, bend over just a little further...that's it..."

"Come on, bend over just a little further...that's it..."

With the exhaustive coverage of what is easily the most compelling story in sports this year, we searched for a different approach (pun intended) on this story.  Staff writer Dr. Kevin Creagh was able to meet with someone who’s perspective on this story, and life in general, is at the very least different…

juan escalante

I sat and waited in my worn out leather bar stool in a dark, shady tavern in Inglewood, California.  The nervousness of a possible drive-by shooting or random stabbing took a backseat to the mounting excitement of the arrival of one of NOTESPN’s most loyal fans.  Juan Escalante had agreed to come out of hiding and allow me to interview him regarding his opinion on our latest sports soap opera…..Tiger Woods. As he entered the bar, he seemed to be yelling obscenities at a passing ice cream truck.  His jeans were burro dung stained and he carried with him a brown paper bag containing a half-eaten chalupa and two empty chocodile wrappers.  The following is my journey into the mind of this NOTESPN legend.

CREAGH: Great to meet you, Juan.  I hope your travels were smooth and relaxing.

ESCALANTE:  My neck hurts….and someone threw a shoe at me on Slauson.

CREAGH:  What was your initial reaction to the recent turmoil surrounding Tiger Woods?

ESCALANTE:   At first, I wondered if all the details had been revealed…because it didn’t sound at all like something he would get mixed up in.  My uncle Enrique had his fair share of domestic disputes, but that was mainly because his wife was a no-good whore.  We “took care” of that situation.

CREAGH:  I see.  Have you ever personally been hit in the face with a golf club?

ESCALANTE:  Not in the face.  About ten years ago, I worked as an assistant greens keeper at La Paz Municipal…on my third day, the pro shop manager caught me urinating into a sand trap…he hit me in the lower back with a 9-iron.  I still haven’t gotten my paycheck from those Baja jerkoffs.

The Most Majestic of its Kind

The Most Majestic of its Kind

I became uncomfortable and paused for a moment, trying to stay on track.  Escalante had me reeling for a moment, and definitely felt like he would gladly welcome me into his home one second –which legend has it is a chain of huts scattered throughout the Southern Hemisphere in various countries-and would stab me the next. I decided to error on the side of caution, and continue to treat him with a slight respect that bordered on fear.

CREAGH:  So, Juan, what do you think about Woods admittedly committing acts that could be considered adulterous?

ESCALANTE:  I’m guessing there are certain things that Elin just won’t do for him anymore….at the beginning, she most likely gave him free reign sexually.  He would probably just lower his golf pants and she would drop whatever she was doing and start  giving him what he likes to call “the pitching wedge”.

CREAGH:  So, you’re saying it’s possible she might have started neglecting him sexually?

ESCALANTE:  Either that, or the constant nagging finally hit a breaking point….he would get home from making a million dollars from four days of work…and she would immediately start in on him…”Tiger, how come the dishes aren’t done?  Tiger, you haven’t taken the trash out!  Tiger, you care more about that burro than you do our family!”  Maybe I happen to love my burro, you tortilla factory working bitch!

Escalante declared with such a fervor that he leapt out of his bar stool, and I thought he was leaving.  However, he composed himself, sat back down, and continued.

ESCALANTE: I mean, Tiger would just think to himself, “I’m friggen Tiger Woods!  I don’t need this!”

CREAGH:  I’m sure you prepared for this interview by studying the details of this story.  Did you find it at all odd that his wife broke out the back window of his car in a claimed attempt to rescue him, while the logical window to break would have been the driver’s side window?

ESCALANTE:  When I heard this, I knew we hadn’t received the whole story.  If this event was a burrito, at this point, we had only gotten the tortilla….and maybe a few green chilies.  Women usually only break windows for two reasons; Their husband is cheating on them, or…wait, that’s only one reason.

CREAGH:  Well, as it stands now, more than nine women have now come forward claiming they have had relations with Tiger.  Do you think they are telling the truth?  If so, does this make his image any worse in your eyes?

ESCALANTE:  90 percent of women are lying 40 percent of the time…I’m not so good at math, but that means about 5 or 6 of them are telling the truth.  As far as his image, he hits a little ball with a stick for a living.  Why would I care what he does?  Am I supposed to be shocked that he’s swinging his driver into nine women?  Maybe at least with THIS driver, he might actually be able to put it in the fairway.

Juan chuckled at his own quip, however “lowest common denominator” it may have been.  Constantly on the move, he somehow manages to stay in seclusion throughout his travels, hiding in plain sight.  Part of the deal for him meeting me was that I buy hima bag of chicklets and more than a few drinks, and he didn’t hesitate.  If there is one thing this man is an expert in, it’s tequila.  For whatever hole this place we currently in was, it had some primo agave, and Juan quickly ordered up a shot of Rey Sol Anejo.  The shot was $35, and I had to find out what a $35 shot of tequila tasted like, so I had one with him.  It didn’t disappoint.  Juan savored the flavor before he went back to drinking his Modelo Negro, and picked up the small ramikin of home made salsa and shot it.  I watched him show no sign of remorse for his lack of etiquette, which made me appreciate him that much more.  But I had to get back to the interview.    

CREAGH:  One of Tigers’ voice mails allegedly says, “I’m going to wear you out”.  Have you ever left naughty voice mails for a woman?

ESCALANTE:  In a way, you could say yes.  I used to scratch pornographic stick figures into agave leaves and leave them on the doorstep of this girl named Rosario.  Her father found them and broke my tailbone with a shovel……I don’t regret it.  She was so cute and innocent…I love a girl with braces…….on her legs.

CREAGH:  So, do you think Elan will forgive him?

ESCALANTE:  My friend, she was a nanny in Sweden before she met him…everything in her life right now is because of him.  She would be swinging on a pole right now in Stockholm just to pay for a rat-infested studio apartment if it weren’t for him.  As far I’m concerned, she should be thankful to have shoes on her large Scandinavian feet.  Yes, she should forgive him….I think she will, since he is giving her a rather large amount of money to stay.

CREAGH:  Let’s turn to golf.  How do you think the gallery will treat him in his first few tournaments next year?

ESCALANTE:  Newsflash to the feminized world……nobody cares.  Anybody who boycotts or scoffs at this man is a genuine douche bag.  Everybody loves him because of his ability to get it in the hole….now everybody hates him for his ability to get it in the hole.  Please, my compadres, make up your minds.  Enjoy the great golf and shut your flan holes!

CREAGH:  You certainly do carry around a lot of passion….or anger….or both.  Is there anything you’d like to say to Tiger?  There is no doubt he will be reading this.

ESCALANTE:  Yes.  Tiger!  Cut your losses.  Get rid of her….famous men should never be married.  There are too many temptations out there…..trust me.  I was once quite famous down in Santiago, Chile.  My fame originated from my appearance on “Chile’s Got Talent”.  I was the actual creator of the dance style “pop and lock”….only then, I called it “Juan and lock”.  Long story short, I married, cheated on her with a Bolivian dress maker….lost everything.  Anyway, Tiger, if you need more advice, meet me down in Quito, Ecuador on Christmas Eve….I’ll be the guy selling corn dogs on the boardwalk.

CREAGH:  On a personal note, is there anything else you’d like to get off your chest about this subject….or any subject for that matter?  This is your chance to show the fans a little more about the innards of Juan Escalante.

ESCALANTE:  Why, of course.  Does anybody have any good deals on boat rides to South Africa?  I’m trying to get there for the World Cup….you know, to cheer for Mexico.  Problem is, I only have about twelve dollars right now.

CREAGH:  Alright, thanks for your time, Juan.  You are clearly too drunk to continue.  It was a pleasure meeting you.

ESCALANTE:  Do I get my chicklets now?
I handed the bag of chicklets over to Juan and he stumbled towards the old wooden door and tripped over the doorjam on his way out.  When I left a few minutes later, he was laying in the curb singing the theme to “Greatest American Hero”……”Look at what’s happened to me…..I can’t believe it myself”….and so on.  I have never been around someone so happy to be a worthless piece of garbage.  It made me wonder if perhaps Juan has the secret to life hidden somewhere in one of his dirty pockets. A man with nothing, who thinks he has everything.  Maybe we should all work a lot harder in channeling our “inner-Juan”. Something to consider.

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4 Responses to “A Different Approach…”
  1. Tricky Dick says:

    Funny stuff. Keep up the good work Dr. Creagh

  2. Jamie Noel says:

    Never trust a man who eats Chocodiles.

  3. Tricky Dick says:

    Another thought, should we rename Tiger. How about Lion-Cheetah?

  4. realestatejen says:

    I don’t believe a word this Juan guy says.

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