Nothing gets you fired up for hockey season like a dancing transvestite swine mascot

Every day, she works in a man’s world.  Every night, she dances through the universe that is her dream.  Huh?  A Pittsburgh woman with two jobs as a welder and an exotic dancer wants to get into ballet school.  Umm, WHAT?  Just in case you weren’t aware, that is the tagline and plot from 1983’s “Flashdance”.  Pretty much screams hockey, right?  I couldn’t think of …well anything at all that better identifies my hockey club.  In fact, I’m SOOOO motivated by the exotic dancing welder that I’m going to dance right into a universe that is my dream.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

http://hurricanes.nhl.tv/team/console.jsp?catid=684&id=24520.

This is worse than a car crash.  This is worse than a train derailment.  This is worse than a 3-way midair jetliner collision.  First of all WTF is that …thing?  A pig?  Wtf does that have to do with hockey?  Wtf does that have to do with a hurricane?  Secondly, WTF is it doing?  WTF would you let anybody see this?

Thank you to Ray Emery and the rest of the Flyers for shutting these ice-pigs out this evening.  They should never score another goal so long as ice exists.  This is one of those things that once its out there, you just can’t take back.  I’m scarred for life.  I’ll never look at the Carolina Ice-Pigs the same again.  Welcome back Ray, it’s been too long.

We could be looking at "Hockey Night In Canada"'s New Logo

There are many of us who have seen junior and senior proms, graduation and bachelor parties, the crowning achievement of birth and even circumcision, yet still managed to remain unaware that HNIC actually refers to something other than the guy making the decisions.  Hockey Night In Canada launched its 2009-10 season this evening with a double-header, Habs-Leafs and Canucks-Flames.  Now break out your box of 64 crayons that you’ve been hiding from your old lady since you moved out of your mom’s basement and color me crazy, but in a sporting event where the athletes get their throats cut, lose teeth semi-regularly, and don’t hesitate to drop the gloves and smash you in the beak, how are you going to open your season with a “are we human, or are we dancers” montage?
Seriously, how many glove-dropping, beak-smashing, tooth-losing, hockey players are going to take very warmly to being even mildly referred to as a dancer?  “And I’m on my knees, looking for the answer…” Really, HNIC, really? Don’t misunderstand, Canadian’s are cut from a different cloth than their southern continent-mates, but if there was one table we could all sit around, certainly it was set by the NHL.
As if this weren’t mind-bendingly offensive enough, midway through the Habs-Leafs game, a commercial comes on for “Battle of the Blades,” which apparently features 8 retired hockey players figure skating with 8 figure skaters. First of all, 1992 called, and they want their idea back.  Secondly, whomever approved this ridiculous scheme should have every copy of “The Cutting Edge” on VHS sent to their house, mortared together around the perimeter of their house to prevent them from boring the rest of society to death with their boring juice.  This idea was neither “cutting” nor “edge” back in 92, and signing Tie Domi to showcase his skills as a figure skater has all the promise of luring new fans to the sport as does launching your coverage for the season with “are we human, or are we dancers” as a lead-in. I used to think that all the hockey franchises left Canada because all the money was in the US.  Rather, it turns out that they were merely fleeing HNIC coverage, and perversion of their retirement.
Shout-outs to the Toronto Maple Leafs for pumping some Marilyn Manson as they introduced their starting lineup (no doubt to shake the “human” hangover), as well as to George Laraque and Colton Orr for demonstrating to whomever was left after that mind-meltingly flaccid intro that they may in fact be, dancers.  Care to have the next dance?