The Ducks have their work cut out for them.

Facing the best defensive team in the playoffs, led by 6 foot 5 goalie and Vezna trophy finalist Pekka Rinne, and the best defensemen in the game in Shea Weber is a daunting task.  The Ducks have to scrap for every stingy scoring opportunity.  But when you factor in the referees horrible penalty calls against Anaheim, the penalties that they let go and do not call against Nashville, conspiracy theorists come out and start chirping.  Then, with the ruling of Bobby Ryan’s suspension of 2 games by Colin Campbell, these conspiracy theorists have more than a solid case.

And if you doubt it, the case will be laid out below.  Just look at each clip, read the evidence, and you tell me…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Ducks forward Bobby Ryan battles Jonathon Blum against the boards for the puck.  Blum has the puck frozen against the board with his skate.  After scrapping to try and get it out and unable to get Blum to unfreeze the puck, Ryan steps on his skate with a light kick.  There was no penalty on the play, and no injury.  The league has decided that Ryan was trying to injure Blum, and gave him a 2 game suspension.

If Bobby Ryan wanted to injure Blum, he would have taken his knee up to his chest and come down hard with his foot. Bobby Ryan has no suspension or dirty play history in the league.  Yet his penalty is double the vicious, intentional hits to the head of the plays below.

So far, the suspension against Bobby Ryan is the most severe in the playoffs.  What’s more, is that at the time the suspension was levied, the series was tied 1-1, meaning it was a best of 5 series from that point, and Anaheim had to go on the road for these 2 games Ryan was suspended.  So the league suspends Anaheim’s second leading goal scorer for 40% of the remaining series, and the games are on the road.

See below each clip, and then we can discuss “Intent to injure”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Chris Kunitz

Elbow to the head of Simon Gagne.  1 game suspension

Click here to view the embedded video.

Steve Downie

Steve Downie leaving his feet and launching himself into the head of a defenseless player.  He has a history of dirty play and suspensions.  1 game suspension.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Jarret Stoll

Boarding a defenseless skater (Ian White) behind the net head/neck first into the board.  White is unconscious and has to be helped off the ice.  1 game suspension.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Zdeno Chara

Punishes a man (Max Paccioretti) neck first into the stanchion.  Chara has a reputation for being dirty. Injury results on the play.  Its a major penalty, and Paccioretti gets carried off on a stretcher.  No suspension.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Raffi Torres

Shoulder to the head of a defenseless skater (Brent Seabrook) behind the net. Seabrook is clearly shaken up.  Torres has a history of being a dirty player, and has already been suspended this year.  No suspension.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Doug Murray

Murray takes 6 strides from across the ice to crush a man into the boards who is 60 pounds lighter.  Murray has a reputation for being dirty.  Lubomir Vishnovski has to be assited to the locker room.  No penalty.  No suspension.

So what are we left with?  Apparently stepping on someone’s foot is far worse than a deliberate head shot at an unsuspecting player.  Either Colin Campbell’s head is firmly entrenched in his large intestine, he has a foot fettish, or has a major axe to grind against the Anaheim Ducks.  My opinion is that its all 3.

Don't Ya Wanna Smell Like This?

So I’m watching the Super Bowl at this great new bar.  Yeah, I’m a bit biased because a good friend owns it, but aside from the hot women that go in there, it is even more keen for the fact that movie star Shia LaBeouf, who sits at the head table of high council of douche-baggery, got punched out there a few weeks ago (Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oaks, California, for those that are curious).

So there I was…enjoying the game, the company of my brethren, the atmosphere, and the bevvy of hot women that are surrounding me.  Granted, none of them were there for me, but I was still there…you know…in the inner circle…amongst the “cool” people.  And even though the hotties were into my buddy, this meant that with a certain amount of degrees of separation, they were into me, right?  I was literally a few feet away from some of the finest flesh ever to grace the planet, but that ranking lasted only a moment.

Soon, the flesh that was so perfect was replaced my larger, more abrasive, intimidating skin.  I don’t know exactly when it happened.  I had not had an extreme amount of alcohol, nor had I had any hallucinogenic.  But what came on the TV screen and captivated the entire venue made half of me nearly puke up my pancreas, and the other half explode in glee.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yes, it was true.  Ultra-masculine Khloe Kardashian and her weed smoking, candy eating beau Lamar Odom (The couple also known as Lardashian, a.k.a. Kush Man and Franken Hooker) have embarked on a new quest. The two entrepreneurs have created a unisex scent that you can buy at your local Stater Brothers and other not-so-fine retailers near you.  This is a perfume commercial greater than any ever created, particularly because it features a scent that all of us can wear together and smell the same.

So why the name, “Unbreakable?”  Could it be due to her mental and physical density?  I do like the fact that it could be named for Lamar’s strength, as it could only take a man of Lamar’s considerable physical stature to hoist a beast like that on his back, as he did on his commercial.

Odom will never average 19 and 9 with that monkey, I mean Wildebeest, on his back.

Just when I think Lardashian can’t top themselves, they come out with something like this.  But what must it smell like?  I will leave it to you, the readers, but I would guess it’s somewhere between liquefied THC, anti-freeze, vinegar, body odor, and 2 month old Halloween candy.  I would call it Eau De Stanque.  Feel free to leave your nomination for scent combinations and brand names below.

If you listened to the Angels-Vernon Wells press conference on the radio like I did, you may have set a record for shaking your head back and forth.  You may also have winced at the spin, rivaling that of a propaganda campaign during 1930’s Berlin.  In a cryptic quote that may foreshadow the Angels’ dark future, Angels’ owner Arte Moreno, when asked about not signing Carl Crawford, stated, “I guess for me…the 7 year…the 6, 7 year contracts are tough.”

That’s a scary thing if you’re an Angel fan, because the owner of the team basically just admitted that he won’t sign any premium player…ever. The elite players in the game want at least 6 years on a deal for security.  If Moreno is not going to offer that, then prepare for a bunch of 2^nd and 3^rd tier players to be passed off on the fan base as elite level.  When you add to Moreno’s quote his own ego-driven inability to work with the pain in the posterior that is Scott Boras, it certainly seems that the Angels will never land elite level talent.

For whatever a prick Boras has proven to be, he represents the best players in baseball, and if Arte’s chonies are still in a twist after the Mark Teixeira negotiations from 2008, the Angels will go back to the also-rans of the 1990’s in refusing to deal with the agent that represents the very best on the sport.  And guess who their poster boy, Kendry Morales’s agent is?  That’s right, Mr. Boras.  Morales is coming up on a contract year, so as long as he is represented by Boras, Angel fans can watch another prime time player walk out the door.  Unless Moreno actually opens his wallet for Pujols (who is not represented by Boras) in the 11-12 off season, the Angels will fail once again.  Since Moreno said in the Wells press conference that he doesn’t agree with the 6 and 7 year contracts and Pujols is rumored to be looking for a 10 year deal, or at least close to it, the Angels chances of landing him also seem to be about as good as Khloe Kardashian’s chances as a sex symbol.  (See our story, “Stanque Et Cannabis“)

With Angel fans excited about what might come to be, and he told the L.A. Times in December, “I’m not the Boston Red Sox.  I’m not the New York Yankees”.  Then maybe you shouldn’t suggest it in previous months.  Apparently Moreno was so disappointed in October, he told the L.A. Times that he was, “angry, disappointed, and would spend whatever it takes to return to the playoffs.”

"No, he's not Crawford. But his salary is."

So let’s get into the finances.  Wouldn’t it have been better to sign Crawford, and trade Napoli and Rivera for some middle relief?  They spent $23 million over the next 3 years on a 34 and 35 year old middle reliever.   Signing Crawford at $20 million and getting rid of Rivera and Napoli’s contracts for some cheaper, younger middle relievers that wouldn’t have cost anywhere near $23 million seems a lot more viable.  They actually would have saved money.

At 7 years and $142 million, Crawford comes with a price tag of 20.28 million a year.   And after Toronto absorbs a miniscule $5 million of the Wells contract, Wells comes in at $81 million over the next 4 years, roughly $20.25 million a year.   There have been conflicting reports saying Toronto absorbed $16 million of the salary, which would put Wells at a cost of roughly $17 million per season.  Regardless of which is true, when the contract expires, Wells will be the same age as if the Angels would have given the same deal to Crawford.  Crawford hit for a higher average, stole more bases and had more RBI’s than Wells did, and he’s 3 years younger, a gold glove last year, and has nowhere near the injury history Wells totes with him.

"Carl...how does it feel to be paid what you're worth?"

Additionally, Wells’ hitting in the middle of the order doesn’t benefit the rest of the lineup.  Crawford at the top will enhance everyone else’s RBI chances and increase the run scoring ability of the team.

The date is set for April 21^st in Anaheim.  That will be the first day Carl Crawford and the Red Sox come to town, and get to show the Angels fans’ what they are missing, and why their owner made a colossal mistake.  In the end, there has been much speculation that Moreno would have to raise ticket prices.  Mike DiGiovanna of the L.A. Times did a piece recentlyThe average ticket price is said to be around $20, and to justify signing Crawford, it would take prices to around $30. Guess what Arte?  I wonder how many people will pay $20 a ticket to watch a loser.  I think most people are with me, and they would pay $30 to watch a winner.

Thursday, March 4^th, Ben Rothlisberger, resident man about town, was at it again.  This time, in a small town in Georgia, Rothlisberger got his club on.  The problem is, he’s being accused of forcing his club on someone else.

Rothlisberger has retained high powered legal council to defend him in allegations by a 20 year old college woman who has accused Rothlisberger of sexual assault.  According to reports, he is fully cooperating with the police investigation.

Whether he did or he didn’t, Rothlisberger’s innate ability to place himself in bad situations continues.  Very visible in public throughout his career in Pittsburgh, Rothlisberger can regularly be found boozing it up at any number of bars in the area.  Some reports have suggested he’s not as accommodating as an autograph seeker would have you believe, allegedly trying to skip out on a hefty barb bill every now and then.  Fame and success at a young age can mold anyone’s psyche into that of an ego maniac, and Rothlisberger has a reason for bullet-proof arrogance, having just turned 28 and already achieved the pinnacle in his sport twice. 

 After nearly killing himself for riding his motorcycle without a helmet, and then becoming a windshield pancake, Rothlisberger initially appeared defiant when asked if he would ever ride again without a helmet.  The seemingly false accusation last July by a woman in Tahoe accusing Rothlisberger of raping her now appears to have some unfortunate weight (sort of ;like that girl in ‘Precious”, but not that excessive).  However, Rothlisberger has maintained his innocence, so maybe he’s just a victim.   Maybe women see him as a quick way to get rich in a settlement.  Either way, he’s the fool for continuing to get blasted in public (See photos) and allow himself to be a target.  Then again, maybe where there’s Rothlisberger, there’s tube steak.

I can hear the pick-up line now.  “Hey Baby….wanna see my bacon double Rothlisberger?  It’s all beef.”

Feel free to insert your favorite Rothlisberger pick-up line below.

How do you know its time to get it on? When the big hand meets the little hand.

The shock value is over, at least for now. Short of video footage coming out of Tiger Woods dressed as the Gimp from Pulp Fiction and Rush Limbaugh playing the role of Zed, most of us are now just numb to the philandering charges. The bigger question is how many other athletes are on pins and needles?

Indeed, if the world’s most dominant and recognizable athlete, largely portrayed as infallible in every sense, is brought down to the bottom of the low-character well, certainly no one else is immune. Unconfirmed reports suggest that since the Woods story broke November 28th, florists across America haven’t been able to keep flowers in stock. How many women on the side now see a big pay check staring them in their slutty face, particularly in this bad economy? How many other voice mails are out there? How many videos? How many love letters and emails? How much “hush money” is being paid out (Even that wasn’t enough for Tiger Woods)? And just how many big time athletes watch the Woods saga, knowing their own reputation and family’s well-being is teetering on the brink of collapse?

Once the king of endorsements, the endorsements that follow are not exactly what he had built his life on to this point.

Lakers forward Ron Artest called Woods, “The perfect role model for me and my sons for longer than anyone I have known”

Washington Redskins running back Clinton Portis said, “If he could keep that a secret and aint nobody came out and told on him, hey, congratulate him”

What’s more is that they have said these things amidst a perhaps larger controversy coming out with regard to Tiger using per enhancing drugs. Victor Conte, infamous steroid provider turned canary, and one of the two main men to bring down so many athletes and ruin the credibility of Major League Baseball, has suggested that Tiger Woods has used performance enhancing drugs.  “Wonder why Tiger has had such a strong libido? Could it be the same reason he gained 30 lbs of muscle? Is there possibly a connection?” Not that I place a great deal of confidence in the character of Victor Conti, but if there’s one thing we’ve learned from both Conte and Jose Canseco, its that where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

And sure, it’s easy to point the finger at Tiger. Maybe because he’s the only golfer that appears to be in any kind of shape. You have your Craig Stadler’s stomach physiques; Phil Mickelson’s man-boobs followers, and the rest of the tour being of an awkwardly gangly and lanky build. Though not a hulk like Barry Bonds morphed into, Woods is definitely larger and noticeably more muscular than when he first hit the tour, and his detractors will surely call for an investigation.

If there is any evidence of Woods using performance enhancing drugs, that would almost certainly blow the infidelity stories out of the water. There is no athlete now, nor has there ever been, bigger than their sport. There has never been a sport that needed an athlete more than the athlete needed it. Woods is that athlete, having transcended the sports popularity generationally, racially, and globally. Well on his way to shatter the sport’s greatest achievements of total major victories, how many of those would be called into question were someone to hang on to an old needle, or have his signature on a prescription for HGH?

We may just be at the ti[p of the iceberg.  Stay tuned.

"Come on, bend over just a little further...that's it..."

With the exhaustive coverage of what is easily the most compelling story in sports this year, we searched for a different approach (pun intended) on this story.  Staff writer Dr. Kevin Creagh was able to meet with someone who’s perspective on this story, and life in general, is at the very least different…

I sat and waited in my worn out leather bar stool in a dark, shady tavern in Inglewood, California.  The nervousness of a possible drive-by shooting or random stabbing took a backseat to the mounting excitement of the arrival of one of NOTESPN’s most loyal fans.  Juan Escalante had agreed to come out of hiding and allow me to interview him regarding his opinion on our latest sports soap opera…..Tiger Woods. As he entered the bar, he seemed to be yelling obscenities at a passing ice cream truck.  His jeans were burro dung stained and he carried with him a brown paper bag containing a half-eaten chalupa and two empty chocodile wrappers.  The following is my journey into the mind of this NOTESPN legend.

CREAGH: Great to meet you, Juan.  I hope your travels were smooth and relaxing.

ESCALANTE:  My neck hurts….and someone threw a shoe at me on Slauson.

CREAGH:  What was your initial reaction to the recent turmoil surrounding Tiger Woods?

ESCALANTE:   At first, I wondered if all the details had been revealed…because it didn’t sound at all like something he would get mixed up in.  My uncle Enrique had his fair share of domestic disputes, but that was mainly because his wife was a no-good whore.  We “took care” of that situation.

CREAGH:  I see.  Have you ever personally been hit in the face with a golf club?

ESCALANTE:  Not in the face.  About ten years ago, I worked as an assistant greens keeper at La Paz Municipal…on my third day, the pro shop manager caught me urinating into a sand trap…he hit me in the lower back with a 9-iron.  I still haven’t gotten my paycheck from those Baja jerkoffs.

The Most Majestic of its Kind

I became uncomfortable and paused for a moment, trying to stay on track.  Escalante had me reeling for a moment, and definitely felt like he would gladly welcome me into his home one second –which legend has it is a chain of huts scattered throughout the Southern Hemisphere in various countries-and would stab me the next. I decided to error on the side of caution, and continue to treat him with a slight respect that bordered on fear.

CREAGH:  So, Juan, what do you think about Woods admittedly committing acts that could be considered adulterous?

ESCALANTE:  I’m guessing there are certain things that Elin just won’t do for him anymore….at the beginning, she most likely gave him free reign sexually.  He would probably just lower his golf pants and she would drop whatever she was doing and start  giving him what he likes to call “the pitching wedge”.

CREAGH:  So, you’re saying it’s possible she might have started neglecting him sexually?

ESCALANTE:  Either that, or the constant nagging finally hit a breaking point….he would get home from making a million dollars from four days of work…and she would immediately start in on him…”Tiger, how come the dishes aren’t done?  Tiger, you haven’t taken the trash out!  Tiger, you care more about that burro than you do our family!”  Maybe I happen to love my burro, you tortilla factory working bitch!

Escalante declared with such a fervor that he leapt out of his bar stool, and I thought he was leaving.  However, he composed himself, sat back down, and continued.

ESCALANTE: I mean, Tiger would just think to himself, “I’m friggen Tiger Woods!  I don’t need this!”

CREAGH:  I’m sure you prepared for this interview by studying the details of this story.  Did you find it at all odd that his wife broke out the back window of his car in a claimed attempt to rescue him, while the logical window to break would have been the driver’s side window?

ESCALANTE:  When I heard this, I knew we hadn’t received the whole story.  If this event was a burrito, at this point, we had only gotten the tortilla….and maybe a few green chilies.  Women usually only break windows for two reasons; Their husband is cheating on them, or…wait, that’s only one reason.

CREAGH:  Well, as it stands now, more than nine women have now come forward claiming they have had relations with Tiger.  Do you think they are telling the truth?  If so, does this make his image any worse in your eyes?

ESCALANTE:  90 percent of women are lying 40 percent of the time…I’m not so good at math, but that means about 5 or 6 of them are telling the truth.  As far as his image, he hits a little ball with a stick for a living.  Why would I care what he does?  Am I supposed to be shocked that he’s swinging his driver into nine women?  Maybe at least with THIS driver, he might actually be able to put it in the fairway.

Juan chuckled at his own quip, however “lowest common denominator” it may have been.  Constantly on the move, he somehow manages to stay in seclusion throughout his travels, hiding in plain sight.  Part of the deal for him meeting me was that I buy hima bag of chicklets and more than a few drinks, and he didn’t hesitate.  If there is one thing this man is an expert in, it’s tequila.  For whatever hole this place we currently in was, it had some primo agave, and Juan quickly ordered up a shot of Rey Sol Anejo.  The shot was $35, and I had to find out what a $35 shot of tequila tasted like, so I had one with him.  It didn’t disappoint.  Juan savored the flavor before he went back to drinking his Modelo Negro, and picked up the small ramikin of home made salsa and shot it.  I watched him show no sign of remorse for his lack of etiquette, which made me appreciate him that much more.  But I had to get back to the interview.    

CREAGH:  One of Tigers’ voice mails allegedly says, “I’m going to wear you out”.  Have you ever left naughty voice mails for a woman?

ESCALANTE:  In a way, you could say yes.  I used to scratch pornographic stick figures into agave leaves and leave them on the doorstep of this girl named Rosario.  Her father found them and broke my tailbone with a shovel……I don’t regret it.  She was so cute and innocent…I love a girl with braces…….on her legs.

CREAGH:  So, do you think Elan will forgive him?

ESCALANTE:  My friend, she was a nanny in Sweden before she met him…everything in her life right now is because of him.  She would be swinging on a pole right now in Stockholm just to pay for a rat-infested studio apartment if it weren’t for him.  As far I’m concerned, she should be thankful to have shoes on her large Scandinavian feet.  Yes, she should forgive him….I think she will, since he is giving her a rather large amount of money to stay.

CREAGH:  Let’s turn to golf.  How do you think the gallery will treat him in his first few tournaments next year?

ESCALANTE:  Newsflash to the feminized world……nobody cares.  Anybody who boycotts or scoffs at this man is a genuine douche bag.  Everybody loves him because of his ability to get it in the hole….now everybody hates him for his ability to get it in the hole.  Please, my compadres, make up your minds.  Enjoy the great golf and shut your flan holes!

CREAGH:  You certainly do carry around a lot of passion….or anger….or both.  Is there anything you’d like to say to Tiger?  There is no doubt he will be reading this.

ESCALANTE:  Yes.  Tiger!  Cut your losses.  Get rid of her….famous men should never be married.  There are too many temptations out there…..trust me.  I was once quite famous down in Santiago, Chile.  My fame originated from my appearance on “Chile’s Got Talent”.  I was the actual creator of the dance style “pop and lock”….only then, I called it “Juan and lock”.  Long story short, I married, cheated on her with a Bolivian dress maker….lost everything.  Anyway, Tiger, if you need more advice, meet me down in Quito, Ecuador on Christmas Eve….I’ll be the guy selling corn dogs on the boardwalk.

CREAGH:  On a personal note, is there anything else you’d like to get off your chest about this subject….or any subject for that matter?  This is your chance to show the fans a little more about the innards of Juan Escalante.

ESCALANTE:  Why, of course.  Does anybody have any good deals on boat rides to South Africa?  I’m trying to get there for the World Cup….you know, to cheer for Mexico.  Problem is, I only have about twelve dollars right now.

CREAGH:  Alright, thanks for your time, Juan.  You are clearly too drunk to continue.  It was a pleasure meeting you.

ESCALANTE:  Do I get my chicklets now?

I handed the bag of chicklets over to Juan and he stumbled towards the old wooden door and tripped over the doorjam on his way out.  When I left a few minutes later, he was laying in the curb singing the theme to “Greatest American Hero”……”Look at what’s happened to me…..I can’t believe it myself”….and so on.  I have never been around someone so happy to be a worthless piece of garbage.  It made me wonder if perhaps Juan has the secret to life hidden somewhere in one of his dirty pockets. A man with nothing, who thinks he has everything.  Maybe we should all work a lot harder in channeling our “inner-Juan”. Something to consider.

In a perfect UFC Dana White World the best fighters in the world would never get injured and they would fight each other in the best of the best fights each and every month.  Now back to reality.  Everything in the UFC going wrong aside, TUF Season 10 Heavyweights has totally imploded.  Banking on Kimbo Slice and a heated matchup between coaches Rashad Evans and Rampage Jackson to battle it out in the finale has pretty much come up short.  Watching the episodes this season and the buildup of Rashad and Rampage is just so deflating, since the majority of us found out that this fight was not going to happen months ago.  Rampage is more worried about playing Mr. T in the latest release of The A Team.

So let’s talk about Kimbo Slice (See our original article “The Ulimate Fraud?”).  The Brawler/Badass whose only entrance into the UFC was supposed to be through winning the Ultimate Fighter reality show.  But now, through multiple chances/excuses to continue to “sell” him to a fan base that continues to grow disenfranchised, he only has to be on the show and be half-way charismatic to now get a UFC contract, something White had all but promised wouldn’t happen. So far, since Slice has been on the show, he showed his lighter side so I guess he has fulfilled his requirements.  That fulfillment has landed him a spot in the TUF Finale this Saturday against the once dark horse badass Houston Alexander.  Now it’s clear something stinks worse than Slice’s jock strap about TUF.  There is nothing about this show anymore that says you need to win to become the next UFC phenom.

Kimbo was pinned to the ground by beer-bellied Roy Nelson and lost and now he has a shot against a one time up-and-comer in the UFC, Houston Alexander? Come on Dana!!! Keep in mind Houston Alexander was once a big-time- hyped, fast-handed brawler that was a couple you tube videos and a beard away from being UFC’s version of Kimbo 2 years ago. That was until Houston decided he should start using his Arlovski-esque jaw to block all his punches for him. Now he’s back and he’s going to take on Kimbo Slice in this Saturday’s TUF Finale. Good Luck Dana and  Kimbo, because you’re gonna need it. UFC’s next TUF season?????? Dana White by be looking to change it to the American Idol Format to make it more interesting. Ryan and Simon… get ready.

"If I'm being honest, that Rear Naked Choke Was HORRIBLE!"

More sexy time?  This time with another baseball all star?  Forget the half naked paintings Alex Rodriguez had made of himself as a centaur…this is far more erotic.  Especially when you consider the girlfriend, and what could come of it.

According to AP, Cleveland Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore sent partially nude photos of himself, taken with his own cell phone in front of a mirror, to his girlfriend, former playboy Playmate Brittany Binger.  Apparently, someone stole the photos off the email and posted them on the internet, where they have spread faster than a scorching case of herpes.

The next contestant in our poll

The Cleveland plain dealer is reporting that MLB has contacted these sites, issuing cease and desist letters to remove the photos.

http://www.cleveland.com/tribe/index.ssf/2009/12/grady_sizemore_making_progress.html

We haven’t had this brand of controversy in a few weeks, since it went public that former Ms. California Carrie Prejean went “hand-solo” on her own sex tape, which she sent to her boyfriend.

For the thoroughly depraved, which surely includes us, one can only imagine where we can go from here.  Maybe adult film producer Miles Long will contact both Sizemore and Prejean about starring in a video with each other, which surely would be the highest grossing recorded coitus since Lardashian’s sister got plowed by that version of a poor man’s R. Kelly, minus the urination. The mind wanders with ideas of what the title of the next film could be.

I have come up with these two so far.  “More Size in her Pre-Jeans”, and “The Size of Prejean”.

"The Gays? Please. Ask me about the DP!"

Please.  That’s okay.  Really…hold your applause.  You’re too kind.

But we invite you to leave your ideas for the movie title below.

"If you are wise, you will avoid a kick to the groin at all costs"

UPDATE:11/30

Stemming from an incident in which she threatened a lineswoman on September 12th, the International Tennis Federation Grand Slam Committee punished Serena Williams today by handing down a fine of $175,000, but can be reduced to $82,500 for good behavior on her 2 year probationary period.  This is the heaviest fine ever levied by the ITF, so to celebrate, we decided to re-hash the original story.  We wanted to call it, “An Ode to Ham Hocks”.  However, we went with a more appropriate title.

Original Story

In yet another display of poor sportsmanship by an athlete, Serena Williams is the latest to exhibit a childish temper tantrum.  This time, however, it cost her the match.  Finally, in some perverted form of justice, the athlete actually loses the competition in which their outburst takes place.

Athletics are certainly not a foreign realm for Divas.  Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, Manny Ramirez, Kobe Bryant, Eli Manning (the list could seemingly go on forever) has all exhibited their fair share of attention-seeking martyrdom.  After generally being bored with the Williams’ sisters’ dominance over the last decade (It seems as if it’s Venus and Serena and then the field) womens’ tennis had a great story at this U.S. Open.  Up and coming American Melanie Oudin, 17, fought her way into the quarterfinals, and was the youngest woman since Williams herself, then 19, to do so.  However, instead of relishing that great story, it was quickly extinguished by the tale of Williams’s embarrassing outburst.  As with the aforementioned athletes, Williams is charming and likeable when things are going well, and a petulant child when things aren’t going her way.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Perhaps most disturbing is Williams’s lack of remorse in the press conference after the match.  Williams attempted to justify her outburst by saying her temper was “much worse” in the past, and that she didn’t threaten the line judge.  Too bad she was caught on tape saying, “I swear to God I’m going to take this (naughty word) ball and shove it down your (same naughty word) throat, you hear that? I swear to God.”

If that wasn’t a threat, it certainly wasn’t an invitation to dinner and drinks after the match.  However, as opposed to a ball being shoved down my throat, what I would be more concerned about is a full front groinal assault at the hands, or should I say legs, of Williams.  To quote Tim Meadows’s character Leon Phelps in his movie The Ladies Man, “It looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress.”  Except in Williams’s case, it looks like someone used the whole pig. With that fully developed lower body and hind quarters, including those “ham hocks”, a swift kick to the nether region would be far more fearsome, and I would all but welcome the ingestion of a tennis ball, considering the alternative.

UPDATE: 9/17

Serena Williams, after givin the opportunity to apologize at her press conference and failing to do so, has now issued an apology.  However, one has to question the motivation.  As stated, she had the floor to do so, and all she did was make excuses.  She now issues an apology, seemingly only after tons of bad press.  Maybe she spoke to Kanye West, who seemed to issue an obligatory apology only after his Diva maneuver on the same day.