"If you are wise, you will avoid a kick to the groin at all costs"

UPDATE:11/30

Stemming from an incident in which she threatened a lineswoman on September 12th, the International Tennis Federation Grand Slam Committee punished Serena Williams today by handing down a fine of $175,000, but can be reduced to $82,500 for good behavior on her 2 year probationary period.  This is the heaviest fine ever levied by the ITF, so to celebrate, we decided to re-hash the original story.  We wanted to call it, “An Ode to Ham Hocks”.  However, we went with a more appropriate title.

Original Story

In yet another display of poor sportsmanship by an athlete, Serena Williams is the latest to exhibit a childish temper tantrum.  This time, however, it cost her the match.  Finally, in some perverted form of justice, the athlete actually loses the competition in which their outburst takes place.

Athletics are certainly not a foreign realm for Divas.  Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, Manny Ramirez, Kobe Bryant, Eli Manning (the list could seemingly go on forever) has all exhibited their fair share of attention-seeking martyrdom.  After generally being bored with the Williams’ sisters’ dominance over the last decade (It seems as if it’s Venus and Serena and then the field) womens’ tennis had a great story at this U.S. Open.  Up and coming American Melanie Oudin, 17, fought her way into the quarterfinals, and was the youngest woman since Williams herself, then 19, to do so.  However, instead of relishing that great story, it was quickly extinguished by the tale of Williams’s embarrassing outburst.  As with the aforementioned athletes, Williams is charming and likeable when things are going well, and a petulant child when things aren’t going her way.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Perhaps most disturbing is Williams’s lack of remorse in the press conference after the match.  Williams attempted to justify her outburst by saying her temper was “much worse” in the past, and that she didn’t threaten the line judge.  Too bad she was caught on tape saying, “I swear to God I’m going to take this (naughty word) ball and shove it down your (same naughty word) throat, you hear that? I swear to God.”

If that wasn’t a threat, it certainly wasn’t an invitation to dinner and drinks after the match.  However, as opposed to a ball being shoved down my throat, what I would be more concerned about is a full front groinal assault at the hands, or should I say legs, of Williams.  To quote Tim Meadows’s character Leon Phelps in his movie The Ladies Man, “It looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress.”  Except in Williams’s case, it looks like someone used the whole pig. With that fully developed lower body and hind quarters, including those “ham hocks”, a swift kick to the nether region would be far more fearsome, and I would all but welcome the ingestion of a tennis ball, considering the alternative.

UPDATE: 9/17

Serena Williams, after givin the opportunity to apologize at her press conference and failing to do so, has now issued an apology.  However, one has to question the motivation.  As stated, she had the floor to do so, and all she did was make excuses.  She now issues an apology, seemingly only after tons of bad press.  Maybe she spoke to Kanye West, who seemed to issue an obligatory apology only after his Diva maneuver on the same day.