Choose your Side

Sunday Morning, reality star/attention whore/regular whore Tia Tequila slapped a citizens’ arrest on San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman. The charges against Merriman are battery and false imprisonment. Allegedly, Merriman forcibly restrained Tequila as she tried to leave his residence early Sunday morning. Before anyone gets carried away with vilifying Merriman, let’s do a quick character analysis.

A Wholesome Victim

A Wholesome Victim

The Alleged Perp

The Alleged Perp

True, Shawne “Lights Out” Merriman is large, menacing, and can most likely wrap his palm around Tequila’s diminutive cranium. True, he delights in the savaging of opposing quarterbacks, and any other ball carrier on the other team.  He even celebrates their demise with his infamous “Lights Out” dance.  But Merriman has a history of charity involvement, and has only been in trouble once in his NFL career.  That was not for assaulting anyone or being a bad citizen, but for using steroids.  He was suspended 4 games and made a public apology.

Tequila, meanwhile, has been anything but.  She can be seen regularly on her MTV reality show “A Shot at Love”, seasons 1 and 2, a show in which she searches for a very special someone.  Both women and men are free to go on televised dates, make out sessions, hot tub parties, and all other pleasures of the flesh.  There was even a scene in last season’s episode where she flirts with her date’s family at the dinner table, including making out with her date.  Everyone became so aroused; they all went for a group “hot tub”.

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Tequila just can’t wait to find that special someone through this Olympiad of debauchery via self-imposed humiliation. So before anyone rushes to judgment, lets remember how Tequila loves to assume the position, on television no less, and from what the average viewer can gather, quite a few of them.

It didn’t take long for the Twitter war to begin, and Tequila was quick to launch the first volley.  She even has God on her side, stating that “God saw everything and God will always know the truth.”  Merriman, in his explanation for the incident, said, “I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided,” he says. In an attempt to refute Merriman’s explanation, Tequila has said she is allergic to alcohol.  However, a spokeswoman for the Sheriff’s department told reporters that Nguyen was intoxicated, so perhaps she was lying already.  Tequila was inspected by paramedics and no injuries were found, and Merriman wasn’t charged with anythingIf a 6’4”, 265lb linebacker forcibly restrains a 4’11”, 100 lb woman, even without trying, it’s going to leave a mark.

If Merriman is guilty of anything here, its bad judgment for associating with someone of Tequila’s caliberIf indeed she is welcoming all comers (term used loosely) in a show celebrating the art of the orgy, a chance for monogamy here is a long shot at best.  And maybe Merriman understands that this was a short term thing, but no matter how good she is in bed (or even swinging from a chandelier or whatever turns him on); disassociating himself from nefarious characters that would compromise your future is never a bad thing. Just ask Michael Vick.

UPDATE

Unconfirmed reports have suggested that the argument derived out of jealousy on Ms. Tequila’s part.  Allegedly, after clubbing, several women went back to Merriman’s house…not just Ms. Tequila.  Merriman, an equal opportunity sexual employer, ended up in his bedrrom with two other women.  Obviously, the “Two’s Company and Three’s a Crowd” philosophy didn’t apply to Merriman, taking the stance of “Two is cool but Three’s a Party” platform.  Apparently Tequila walked in on the flesh-fest, and was ever so generously invited to join in.  This is what is known as “Three is a Party But Four is a Damn Fiesta!”.  Not being the sole desire of Merriman’s affection, Tequila became upset and declined the invitation, refusing to become the 3rd cheese in a 3 cheese-and-beef sandwich.  This jealousy inspired her to claim Merriman forcibly restrained her and then filed a citizen’s arrest.

On September 11th, District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis put some stank on it (something Ms. Tequila is usually known for doing) and dropped all charges against Shawne Merriman.  Dumanis cited there was not enough evidence that Merriman ever committed any crime.  I am also confident she read our story here, so thanks Counselor!     Always happy to help!


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Comments

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